The Rarity of a Quiche Kiss

Vegan quiche made of rainbow chard and tofu. Original recipe from VegNews March/April 2012. 

If you're going to make yourself a quiche, I think you should listen to some kind of music that is really chaotic, because making quiche from scratch is such a hectic process. Hence, as though I were a wine connoisseur suggesting an aged flavor, I offer up the suggestion of "Suffer the Children" by the classic grindcore band, Napalm Death. I think it pairs well with the bitterness that the chard gives this quiche. …WHAT?! If you're eating vegan quiche people already think you're a little wacko, so why not sample underground music far and wide while you're at it?

Quiche surface chaos!!

And, by the way, it takes fucking forever to make quiche from scratch, and if one little thing is off from the recipe, you hate the hell out of both the recipe-writer and yourself for not foreseeing and amending the error. I say this, because the first time around the greens took on too much of a bitter flavor, so I'd go with the modified version that I linked to, because adding the extra garlic really helps. I've also taken to the habit of adding other goodies, covered below.

Thus, before we get to the recipe, there's some shit you should know:

•  As I said, it takes forever, so if you don’t have a food processor, don't fucking bother.
• Pie/quiche crusts require a lot of practice. Make your life easy, take my recommendation of this chewy, delectable tahini and orange juice crust recipe, for which you don't even need the spelt flour.
• The "What's Cooking America.net" website was totally right: ungreased glass pans really do make for great crust.

• I’ve made additions to the original recipe, because I thought it was too homogenous in texture. 
• Sauté up some balsamic-glazed mushroom bits to add to the filling or serve on the side. 
• Bake slices of tomato on top of the quiche to use its sweet goodness for contrast against the quiche’s savory-ness. 
• Also, add some nooch (as much as you want) to the tofu during the folding process.
• If you really want to trudge a third mile with this recipe (or you have some in your freezer) consider adding some chopped vegan sausage.

PHASE 1: The Chewy Crust (recipe converted from metric...you're welcome, America)

COMPONENTS

• 3 tablespoons (48 g) tahini
• 1/4 teaspoon fine sea salt
• 1 1/4 cups (150 g) light spelt flour
• 1/4 cup plus 1 tablespoon (75 ml) fresh orange juice

Dictations:

1. In your stand mixer or food processor, combine tahini, salt, and flour. Add orange juice, 1 tablespoon (15 ml) at a time, until dough forms.
2. Shape into a disk. Roll out dough to approximately 11 x 10 inches (28 x 25 cm), a little over 1/8-inch (3-mm) thick.
3. Transfer onto prepared baking sheet.
4. Place filling on top of the prepared crust, leaving about 1 inch (2.5 cm) from the edges: the filling will pile up high. Level it, fold the edges of the pie crust up and over so that the filling is visible: it’ll look rustic, and that’s the point.
5. Bake for 25 to 30 minutes, or until the top of the crust is golden brown.
6. Let stand for 10 minutes before slicing and serving.

PHASE 2: The Filling

COMPONENTS

• 1 lb. firm tofu, drained
• 1/3 cup unsweetened soymilk
• (Balsamic-glazed) diced mushroom hunks
• 1 tbsp cooking oil of your choice
• 5 cloves (or more) of garlic, minced  
• 1 medium yellow onion, peeled and diced
• 1 medium-sized bunch of rainbow chard (the recipe calls for a large bunch of red chard) leaves thinly sliced and stems finely diced
• 1 tsp salt
• 1 tsp oregano
• 1/2 tsp turmeric
• a few cranks of pepper from a pepper mill
• 1 T (or more) nooch

  Dictations:

1. If you're adding mushrooms, sauté them up.
2. In a food processor blend the tofu and soymilk until smooth and set aside.
3. In a sauté pan, heat safflower oil over medium-high heat.  Add garlic, onion and salt and cook for several minutes until onions are translucent.  Add oregano, turmeric, pepper, and chard.  Cook until chard leaves are bright green and stems have softened.  Turn off heat and fold the veggies into the tofu mixture.  Salt, pepper, and nooch to taste.
4. Pour mixture into prepared pie crust, spreading smoothly and evenly. If using, add the tomato slices. Bake for 25 minutes @ 350 F, remove from oven, drizzle top with a touch of oil, rotate and place back into oven for 20 more minutes for a total 45 minutes of cooking time (or until crust is golden brown).  
5. Let cool and eat up!