Vegan Club Sandwich

Components

--Three slices of a bread of your choice, toasted

--Eight slices (about half of a 5.5 oz package) of (peppered) Tofurky slices [or slices of homemade seitan loaf]

--Two heaping(!) tablespoons of caramelized onion [five to six 1/4 inch slices when raw]

--Vegan mayo [If you even care for it. I’ve never liked mayo]

--Immoderate gobs of a mustard of your choice*

--1/4 t finely chopped fresh oregano [if you have it lying around or growing in your windowsill]

--Fresh cracked black pepper

--As much tomato and lettuce as you please

*Here the possibilities are endless for mustard enthusiasts such as myself. I used a brand native to my home state of N. Carolina, called “Bone Suckin’ Mustard,” which doesn’t sound vegan at all, but the creators just want you to put it on meat; there’s no animal bits in the ingredients list. Anywho, it’s a positively delicious mustard that is sweet and spicy because molasses and jalapenos are involved.

Also: Traditional club sandwiches come with bacon on them, but I am a culinary freak who has never liked bacon (yes, even before the thought of giving up meat ever crossed my mind), so I didn’t bother to find a replacement for it. If you think that this, along with the absence of mayo, is a deal breaker and reduces this sandwich to merely a triple decker, jazzed up “turkey” sandwich…well, I respond with an apathetic 'eh.' What do I care what you think? I’ll call it what I fucking well please.

Method 

1) Caramelize your onions. [If you don’t know how to do that, you are either a culinary newbie or an idiot for not learning how to make one of the best accompaniments in the entire food world. I have no sympathy for such ignorance.]  

2) Place bread slices on work surface and slather the first slice in sauce(s). Sprinkle with pepper and oregano. [Traditionally the crust is cut off to make the sandwich seem balanced on all sides or look fancy. I consider trimming bread crust an awful transgression. The crust is the best part you snot!]

3) Layer four slices of faux meat in folds (which give a better toothsome sensation upon biting), and then hold them in place (perhaps with the mustard knife leaning over them) while you spread out one teaspoon of caramelized onion.  

4) Sauce up your middle slice of bread on one side, setting it down momentarily to stack on the lettuce and tomato slices, and then use the bread slice (sauce side down) to stabilize the heap. Spread sauce on the remaining exposed side of the middle bread slice and repeat the layering process of Step 3.

5) After you’ve slathered, spiced, and put in place the last slice of bread, step back and behold the glory. Feel free to make this sandwich more mammoth if you have the appetite. Otherwise, I think this recipe as it stands is sufficient for gorging one’s self, especially when combined with a side of potato wedges.

"Hot & Spicy Potato Wedges" from Easy Garden Recipes (April 2012)

(Makes two large servings)

Components

4 T OVOO

2 T mustard

[The original recipe calls for 2 T Parmesan; I omitted it due to disinterest.]

1/4 t each of S & P

2 t chili flakes

1 sprig fresh rosemary, chopped [OR about 1/4 to 1/2 t dried rosemary, squeezed and crumbled in between your fingers]

Four medium (russet) potatoes (peels on, thoroughly scrubbed)

The original recipe also garnishes with four thinly sliced scallions and 2 T pimentos. [I omitted this due to laziness.]

Method

1) While the oven preheats to 400 F, whisk the oil, mustard, and spices.

2) Cut the potatoes into wedges and toss into the bowl of the dressing, attempting to coat evenly.

3) Spread the potatoes out onto two large baking sheets, making sure to give plenty of room between pieces so they don’t steam themselves.

4) Bake for 25 minutes, turning them half way through the cooking time.

5) Garnish and nom.

Garnish your final dish with a dill pickle spear, because it’s just not a proper American diner sandwich plate without one.